SOPLYD

I usually visit my own blog when I'm supposed to be working on things I've put on hold for far too long. But it's my place of comfort, so yeah.

A few weeks ago, I was fed a pill so bitter I could only cry. The pill was called: Seeing Other People Living Your Dream. SOPLYD. (I could've come up with a better acronym but as far as Ryan Higa teaches, any acronym is good enough to make a video/make into a blog.)

Talk about broken dreams. At first, you are really happy for them, make plans for them, encourage them and once they announce that they're actually doing what you've been dreaming of doing, your heart just breaks. At the same time, you're still really happy for them. How could I not? She's my sister.

Stairs collapsing and towers falling apart behind the smiles you put up for them. You have to keep on that smile to show your support and share your excitement. It wasn't as if there were no excitement or genuine happiness, but deep down you couldn't help that you felt a sting upon the announcement.

You live in denial for a few days, not for the fact that somebody else is living your dream but for the fact that you don't feel anything else but being happy for them. You know you're wrenching your heart every time this topic is being brought up, you know you're gripping your tears to not let them appear in your eye sockets, you know you just can't hide your admiration and jealousy much longer.

But you still live in denial, not being quite honest with yourself.

All it took was for PMS to let it all out, how convenient. That one day where everything feels wrong, those few days before where you feel overwhelmed with everything big and small around you. Then when you do cry, it's not for some trivial Friday night nonsense, but for all other real feelings you've hidden so well beneath the smiles. Or so you thought.

And when that happens, there's no more denial, because there's just no point to that. I've learned to isolate myself and not talk to people when this happens. It's just me and me alone dealing with my feelings that I've put aside too long, in my cave. I have a cave, yes, and it's not brightly lit and words and sentences scribbled and stopped mid-sentence on the walls.

Lucky for me, I have someone waiting for me outside the cave and I'm definitely not taking him for granted with my occasional visits to my cave. It takes a person of such for you to feel like yourself again, to remind you to be honest with yourself again and that just tops everything else. You need to be you by being completely honest with your feelings, among other important things too.

When you've sorted out your emotions after the dam breaks, you start thinking again. For me, reminding myself the path that I've taken and stick with it. I have chosen this path and I shall lay bricks ahead of this path. I call it Realistic Path, the road mostly taken. I once thought with my bold endeavours, I was living up to my dream. But I was wrong, I was merely taking the path that I chose because I just needed to feel in control of my own life.

And that's okay.

I don't mean to tell you to let your dreams be broken or see your dreams self-destruct and you're not doing anything about it and graciously take the SOPLYD pill. What I'm saying is, if it happens, tell yourself it's okay. It's not okay at first but it will be. It takes a certain degree or wisdom, hardships, maturity and a certain someone to help you make peace with your broken dreams. It's a detour you're taking now.

But if there's a glimpse of hope of you building your dream again or a new-found goal, please strive for it, by all means, please do it. There's only this many excuses you can give yourself. As long as you're trying, you're living the dream.

It wasn't meant to be a sort-of-motivational post, but it turned out to be one. It's just one way of writing to myself, for myself, as a reminder that tomorrow will come and you've just gotta move on.





Lots of hugs

Off Balance.

Ever felt like you've been thrown off balance and you can't realign yourself? Like you've been pushed left and right vigorously like your soul is forced out of your body? And when you do return, you need to again familiarize your limbs, how to gesticulate or even walk. You wonder if what you've done so far isn't entirely wrong but isn't right either.

That's what I'm feeling right now.

It has now turned to some kinda detachment stage like I need to distant myself from everyone and plant my feet back on the ground. This stage is volatile. I won't know if this lost-and-found soul would accept this "new" body like it used to fit so well.

So far, all this body does is push the one she needs most away.

He and She

He who has felt
Did not first feel with her
She who has felt
Air again breathes to her

He who has penned
Did not write it first for her
She who has read
An infatuation is her

He who feels, feeling it true?
She who doubts, doubting it real?

He has the truth
She has the trust

Untitled

Wow. I didn't know this will be that heart wrenching.

It's that kinda sadness that you told yourself repeatedly that you'll be feeling it the next day, so be ready. When the next day comes, it happens. You can feel the wall starting building itself up before the reality sets in. Brick by brick, your heart is safe, at least for a while. All is up, strong and steady, like the Great Wall of China, up for defense yet it's also like the Berlin Wall, it wasn't supposed to be there. The whole day you kept yourself busy and get more distractions like laughing your ass off over some lame cartoon jokes that only children find it amusing. You'll listen to music or more to the lyrics that sings everything you're feeling now. You gave up because there's not any exact words to explain how you feel. Then you come to the music where all you can hear is pounding bass and senseless lyrics. You gave up too because the increase of the heartbeat reminds you of the heart yesterday that was beating in excitement. It was playing fireworks on 4th of July. You pretended to be excited for a dinner with your comrade, get dressed up and all because you didn't have the chance to do it earlier. Oh well, you kinda overdress for a casual girls dine out but you couldn't care less. Gossips after gossips, you thought you can chuck that thing behind your mind. Once you stop talking to eat, your attention goes back there. Then you're chewing, you're looking at the cars tailing cars, drivers being impatient for the light to turn green, still your attention wanders there. Last try, scrolling down buzzfeed for "32 Pictures You Need To See Before You Die". Tried laughing but you knew you're lying through your teeth.

Alas, came the right song and the perfect best man to pour it out. Tears has taken its toll and it was time to gush down the face from the broken dam. Somehow you've been strong for so long, you've learnt to hold it and suck it in. Practice makes perfect.