For when I'm at lost, I return to this comfort zone.
I've thought a lot about revamping this pit hole but I just couldn't seem to make out what I wanna write about, as in, should I make it into a food blog? But I don't eat new food every week. I don't shop or travel either so I won't have the raw materials for my blog.
Makes me wonder, what am I actually good at? This self-discovery road hasn't been easy. I've likened myself to being jack of all trades, master of none. I know a little of journalism, a little of linguistics, a little of editing but am I so damn good in all of them? No.
I have a love-hate relationship with journalism. I can't fit into the rigid style of writing, nor I can stick to a specific topic for so long before I confuse my readers and lead them into the Triwizard maze.
On the other hand, I love linguistics; how every aspect of language can be studied under microscopic lenses or how human brains process language. However, I have love for it, doesn't mean I've come to study every nook and cranny of it. Though, psycholinguistics has been a favourite of mine.
As for editing, I don't love or hate it. If I have to pick a word, I like it. This is something I can say I'm good at it albeit being on a novice level, but somehow past experiences have shaped me to have this mind of an editor, which includes the grammar nazi in me. Now, advancing into grad school in this field, I've learned the technicalities and somehow they come natural to me. (Not the research part, of course.) I would say I've struck a balance between something I like and something I am or I will be good at and somehow, this is quite enough for me to love what I do now and in the future.
For someone who has a low self-esteem or someone rarely to give credits to herself, I've never heard myself say I am bloody darn good in something. It's just not me because I believe there will always be someone better than I do in what I claim to be best at. So, technically for me, there's no best of me. Sounds a little sad? A little.
But from time to time, I try to give myself a pat on the back to how far I've reached but also a little motivation to keep myself going. It really is tough, but when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I'm trying my level best to be tough every day. I struggle with research, the academic aspect of grad school. It was all fun and teary with organizing a seminar and learning editing symbols, it's not that fun cooping yourself up in the room feeling guilty all the time but have no progress in your research. Every single day is a struggle but I manage to get off the bed, at the very least. Also, to the people who know and don't know my struggle but always seem to still think highly of me and love me, thank you all. I'm still fighting.
Alright, alright, I'll save some gratitudinal speech for when I graduate. I will graduate this time next year, I will, I have to. There's just too much at stake, we'll talk about that some time later.
Enough ranting for today, lots of love
September 13, 2016
May 31, 2016
SOPLYD
I usually visit my own blog when I'm supposed to be working on things I've put on hold for far too long. But it's my place of comfort, so yeah.
A few weeks ago, I was fed a pill so bitter I could only cry. The pill was called: Seeing Other People Living Your Dream. SOPLYD. (I could've come up with a better acronym but as far as Ryan Higa teaches, any acronym is good enough to make a video/make into a blog.)
Talk about broken dreams. At first, you are really happy for them, make plans for them, encourage them and once they announce that they're actually doing what you've been dreaming of doing, your heart just breaks. At the same time, you're still really happy for them. How could I not? She's my sister.
Stairs collapsing and towers falling apart behind the smiles you put up for them. You have to keep on that smile to show your support and share your excitement. It wasn't as if there were no excitement or genuine happiness, but deep down you couldn't help that you felt a sting upon the announcement.
You live in denial for a few days, not for the fact that somebody else is living your dream but for the fact that you don't feel anything else but being happy for them. You know you're wrenching your heart every time this topic is being brought up, you know you're gripping your tears to not let them appear in your eye sockets, you know you just can't hide your admiration and jealousy much longer.
But you still live in denial, not being quite honest with yourself.
All it took was for PMS to let it all out, how convenient. That one day where everything feels wrong, those few days before where you feel overwhelmed with everything big and small around you. Then when you do cry, it's not for some trivial Friday night nonsense, but for all other real feelings you've hidden so well beneath the smiles. Or so you thought.
And when that happens, there's no more denial, because there's just no point to that. I've learned to isolate myself and not talk to people when this happens. It's just me and me alone dealing with my feelings that I've put aside too long, in my cave. I have a cave, yes, and it's not brightly lit and words and sentences scribbled and stopped mid-sentence on the walls.
Lucky for me, I have someone waiting for me outside the cave and I'm definitely not taking him for granted with my occasional visits to my cave. It takes a person of such for you to feel like yourself again, to remind you to be honest with yourself again and that just tops everything else. You need to be you by being completely honest with your feelings, among other important things too.
When you've sorted out your emotions after the dam breaks, you start thinking again. For me, reminding myself the path that I've taken and stick with it. I have chosen this path and I shall lay bricks ahead of this path. I call it Realistic Path, the road mostly taken. I once thought with my bold endeavours, I was living up to my dream. But I was wrong, I was merely taking the path that I chose because I just needed to feel in control of my own life.
And that's okay.
I don't mean to tell you to let your dreams be broken or see your dreams self-destruct and you're not doing anything about it and graciously take the SOPLYD pill. What I'm saying is, if it happens, tell yourself it's okay. It's not okay at first but it will be. It takes a certain degree or wisdom, hardships, maturity and a certain someone to help you make peace with your broken dreams. It's a detour you're taking now.
But if there's a glimpse of hope of you building your dream again or a new-found goal, please strive for it, by all means, please do it. There's only this many excuses you can give yourself. As long as you're trying, you're living the dream.
It wasn't meant to be a sort-of-motivational post, but it turned out to be one. It's just one way of writing to myself, for myself, as a reminder that tomorrow will come and you've just gotta move on.
Lots of hugs
A few weeks ago, I was fed a pill so bitter I could only cry. The pill was called: Seeing Other People Living Your Dream. SOPLYD. (I could've come up with a better acronym but as far as Ryan Higa teaches, any acronym is good enough to make a video/make into a blog.)
Talk about broken dreams. At first, you are really happy for them, make plans for them, encourage them and once they announce that they're actually doing what you've been dreaming of doing, your heart just breaks. At the same time, you're still really happy for them. How could I not? She's my sister.
Stairs collapsing and towers falling apart behind the smiles you put up for them. You have to keep on that smile to show your support and share your excitement. It wasn't as if there were no excitement or genuine happiness, but deep down you couldn't help that you felt a sting upon the announcement.
You live in denial for a few days, not for the fact that somebody else is living your dream but for the fact that you don't feel anything else but being happy for them. You know you're wrenching your heart every time this topic is being brought up, you know you're gripping your tears to not let them appear in your eye sockets, you know you just can't hide your admiration and jealousy much longer.
But you still live in denial, not being quite honest with yourself.
All it took was for PMS to let it all out, how convenient. That one day where everything feels wrong, those few days before where you feel overwhelmed with everything big and small around you. Then when you do cry, it's not for some trivial Friday night nonsense, but for all other real feelings you've hidden so well beneath the smiles. Or so you thought.
And when that happens, there's no more denial, because there's just no point to that. I've learned to isolate myself and not talk to people when this happens. It's just me and me alone dealing with my feelings that I've put aside too long, in my cave. I have a cave, yes, and it's not brightly lit and words and sentences scribbled and stopped mid-sentence on the walls.
Lucky for me, I have someone waiting for me outside the cave and I'm definitely not taking him for granted with my occasional visits to my cave. It takes a person of such for you to feel like yourself again, to remind you to be honest with yourself again and that just tops everything else. You need to be you by being completely honest with your feelings, among other important things too.
When you've sorted out your emotions after the dam breaks, you start thinking again. For me, reminding myself the path that I've taken and stick with it. I have chosen this path and I shall lay bricks ahead of this path. I call it Realistic Path, the road mostly taken. I once thought with my bold endeavours, I was living up to my dream. But I was wrong, I was merely taking the path that I chose because I just needed to feel in control of my own life.
And that's okay.
I don't mean to tell you to let your dreams be broken or see your dreams self-destruct and you're not doing anything about it and graciously take the SOPLYD pill. What I'm saying is, if it happens, tell yourself it's okay. It's not okay at first but it will be. It takes a certain degree or wisdom, hardships, maturity and a certain someone to help you make peace with your broken dreams. It's a detour you're taking now.
But if there's a glimpse of hope of you building your dream again or a new-found goal, please strive for it, by all means, please do it. There's only this many excuses you can give yourself. As long as you're trying, you're living the dream.
It wasn't meant to be a sort-of-motivational post, but it turned out to be one. It's just one way of writing to myself, for myself, as a reminder that tomorrow will come and you've just gotta move on.
Lots of hugs
Hiatus
24/3/2016
After reading my last entry which was 5 months ago, I felt like I've grown out of that person. Perhaps because last semester has seriously toughen me up and it's not in the slightest moment that I've regretted going through it. Maybe just a warning the next time I want to take up PhD.
31/5/2016
I just remembered I had this post drafted and long forgotten until now. This is so me.
After reading my last entry which was 5 months ago, I felt like I've grown out of that person. Perhaps because last semester has seriously toughen me up and it's not in the slightest moment that I've regretted going through it. Maybe just a warning the next time I want to take up PhD.
Nowadays, every night before I sleep, I can only think about when will I start my editing on that manuscript snuggled in my Publishing Project folder or how can I manage to finish 3 chapters of my dissertation by the end of this semester, along with publishing a book from editing to choosing the type of cover that I want for my book. It sounds impossible just by writing about it.
I know, with the bombings in Ankara and Brussels, my little stones can be overcome easily, they're not even explosives to begin with. But if your body is literally affected by all the stress you can't handle, I'm sure these aren't just little stones. I'm not saying I'm being terrorized (or maybe I am?), I'm just saying for a small ant, a little stone is like a hill. I'm that small ant right now.
It's best to focus on tasks on hand; easier to manage and stress are fairly distributed (Ha if that's even possible). One step at a time. But when your partner is already a member of the working society, you can't help but be involved in the plannings of your future together of buying a house, getting a new car or just investing in yourselves for a lifetime together. I'm not saying this is a burden, I'm saying it feels so grown up to be needed to juggle your studies, finance, family, relationship, faith, friendships, and health with only one body. I guess, I just don't want to be 24 and a grownup.
Sorry, if it sounds like the sole purpose of my writing is to ramble and seek sympathy, I'm not. I just feel better (sometimes) after writing it out.
When I think of my future, I see myself working in a publishing house running between floors and buildings on streets and cities to finish an assignment. At times, I see myself crawling between furniture in my house with an aimless mind and lethargic body. Such extremes, much worries. At least sometimes, I have this middle ground where everything has turned out alright and I'm always home before him and waiting for him to come home to me every night. Dreams and reality do fuck you up sometimes.
Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy.
31/5/2016
I just remembered I had this post drafted and long forgotten until now. This is so me.
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