After reading my last entry which was 5 months ago, I felt like I've grown out of that person. Perhaps because last semester has seriously toughen me up and it's not in the slightest moment that I've regretted going through it. Maybe just a warning the next time I want to take up PhD.
Nowadays, every night before I sleep, I can only think about when will I start my editing on that manuscript snuggled in my Publishing Project folder or how can I manage to finish 3 chapters of my dissertation by the end of this semester, along with publishing a book from editing to choosing the type of cover that I want for my book. It sounds impossible just by writing about it.
I know, with the bombings in Ankara and Brussels, my little stones can be overcome easily, they're not even explosives to begin with. But if your body is literally affected by all the stress you can't handle, I'm sure these aren't just little stones. I'm not saying I'm being terrorized (or maybe I am?), I'm just saying for a small ant, a little stone is like a hill. I'm that small ant right now.
It's best to focus on tasks on hand; easier to manage and stress are fairly distributed (Ha if that's even possible). One step at a time. But when your partner is already a member of the working society, you can't help but be involved in the plannings of your future together of buying a house, getting a new car or just investing in yourselves for a lifetime together. I'm not saying this is a burden, I'm saying it feels so grown up to be needed to juggle your studies, finance, family, relationship, faith, friendships, and health with only one body. I guess, I just don't want to be 24 and a grownup.
Sorry, if it sounds like the sole purpose of my writing is to ramble and seek sympathy, I'm not. I just feel better (sometimes) after writing it out.
When I think of my future, I see myself working in a publishing house running between floors and buildings on streets and cities to finish an assignment. At times, I see myself crawling between furniture in my house with an aimless mind and lethargic body. Such extremes, much worries. At least sometimes, I have this middle ground where everything has turned out alright and I'm always home before him and waiting for him to come home to me every night. Dreams and reality do fuck you up sometimes.
Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy.
31/5/2016
I just remembered I had this post drafted and long forgotten until now. This is so me.
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