Helplessness.

That situation you're in where you feel totally helpless. You know you've brought it upon yourself and you knew this will come to you eventually.
You know you're not supposed to tell one lie because one lie is the start of thousands more to come. And you can't tell the truth because then those that you lied to will know all the truths that you told them were all lies.
You know you still have faith in that teaching, you know you do. But it is pointless when you don't even make an effort to practice it.
And then you coop up in the shower and cry while the rain is your accomplice who helps you cover up your little crime.
You wanna turn back time. You wished you'd follow your mind rather than your heart. You wished.