When is ready, ready?

When you set a goal for yourself, you plan out missions to conquer and with little missions accomplished, you get steps closer to your goal.

I on the other hand, set a goal too. But as a lazy introvert-first-extrovert-second, I can't seem to get my little missions done. I have a problem which is I'm not able to discipline myself. It might be from my upbringing, my mother wasn't much of a rotan woman.

My sister and I were given the freedom to choose how we grow up. Yup, that's how I can put it. We were given the chance to grow up and explore what's right and what's wrong on our own. We were always given a "Yes" when it comes to sleepover or an outing. We're those lucky children with a cool mom, I know.  What a liberty, isn't it?

I was never pushed to my limits, I set my own limits which was usually low. I was never ushered, never been really put under strict rules, the free-spirited girl who did what she wanted when she wanted it. I grew up fine, I guess. 

I don't blame my mom for not setting more rules, I thank her for giving me the freedom to discover who I am as a person and the freedom to be who I am today. With the right turns and the wrong turns, I am made of who I was.

So when it comes to self discipline, I can't do it. Yes, that's bad for my resume. But I just can't. This results in all my last-minute encounters and my master in procrastinating. And guess what? I'm starting my class for Master next week. A real master degree program.

I'm not ready.

*self-pity alert, do not proceed if you can't stand the sight of some self-wallowing*

With a tight finance and my lack of enthusiasm in writing a dissertation, even though it won't happen until the next semester, among other matters that somehow managed to get on my concerned list, I feel lost again.

I thought doing Master will set it straight for me. I'm not saying I do not want to do this, I want to. But since I know myself that well, plus my low self-esteem, I don't think I'm cut out for this.

I'm not going to write some inspiring essay on how to pick myself up. I'm blatantly complaining and making excuses for myself right here and now. Every little thing irks the shit out of me and I'm trying to reason with myself again into believing in myself and my decision to take up this program.

I'm not ready.

Money ain't gonna roll its way in on me, being a student means being poor again. Not to mention the debt you're piling up. What's so good about studying anyway?

Sometimes, I question myself whether the real reason behind me enrolling for Master is because I want to avoid the tough road of looking for a job, avoiding rejection over rejection and the possibility of me ending up doing something I do not like.

You see, being a free-spirited girl, I don't often do things for the sake of greater good. I do things emotionally. Meaning, if I have no interest, I will not do it. Even if I do, I will not get satisfying results. I'm not the type where I grit my teeth and finish things in what I'm good at even though I don't like it.

But inside, I always have this dream working in publications. I know I cannot be a writer, but I know I can help some good writers publish what they love to write. In my opinion, you need a good book to make you money but you don't necessarily need a good one to achieve your dreams. Unless of course your dream is to become the bestseller.

I don't always read bestsellers or classics. Neither would I read some great prose or highly recommended book just because it's on top of everyone's reading list. I can tell you that I love chick-lits and I never finished How To Kill a Mockingbird.

This is why I feel I'm not ready! Not for this new chapter, not for this new challenge. Is this really what I want? When will I be ready to face myself and this world we live in today?