Lately I've been pondering on the reason why I've been so reluctant to blog again. I used to be able to do it on a daily basis during high school and even though I had nothing special to blog about, I still managed to ooze my feelings and happenings into tangible words.
Those were the days where a small girl in a small town has nothing interesting to do and nowhere nice to go, no smartphone and still using Friendster era, I was able to be myself and write every nook and cranny of my heart out.
Years passed by and that blog has long been forgotten. Until memories drew me back to the old blog and yes I still managed to log in.
As I was reading it, I was almost appalled and cringed more than I should. I was reading my own blog, why would I grimaced while reading and not remember what happened?
After days of obsessing over this cringe-worthy old blog, I decided to delete the whole thing, the entire blog. But I chose to retain the name - The Outcast.
I've come to realize that I'm afraid to write, not only because I always think I'm not good enough, but also because I know, once experiences and emotions written, they are immortalized into words.
I can't be deleting and creating a new blog whenever I have chills reading awkward situations or deep emo posts I've been through and written about. I have to commit to something, now that I think of it. Might as well be a blog?
Yes, besides my relationship, I need something else to keep my head occupied and exercised too.
Words to me, they are the primary form of communication, also for most people, what more with texting and IMs nowadays.
But when I can't speak, I write. When I can't sing, I write. When I can't cry, I write. When I can't laugh, I write. Tell me something I don't do without writing it out first.
I write in my own space, and I love it. It sort of liberates me, like a functioning human being who knows how to wonder and wander. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for the existence of letters and words. I find writing comforting and relaxing but also pressured at the same time to write better.
Writing has been a rough journey for me. In fact, it has just started again. Every single day is a new day for me to write. Some days I'm afraid of what I'm capable and incapable of writing, other days I spit out like farting right after exiting the elevator. Like now, duh.
I wanna be done writing about writing, I wanna start writing about expressing and inspiring personal feelings, inducing and creating emotions from those who read me.
I can't be caring now that I have no readers. Someone told me once, somewhere along this line, if I don't write, how's anyone gonna read?
Writing is fearful yet rewarding, be courageous to write. Nothing beats a smooth train of thoughts.
Cheers,
